Conversations with Todd

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A Taste of Circle

“So… I need a plan, Todd.”

I’d just plopped down into my office chair for a moment. I had laundry going, I was in the middle of grouting a tile mosaic piece, and I had to get the publicity materials finished the day before yesterday. I had DVD technical stuff to sort out, a cover and label to design, a timeline to dummy check. And I had to find some time to eat something. And sleep, perchance to toss and turn. I’d been a wreck all week: alternately angry and afraid and full of tears. Waking up at 4 AM. I was exhausted.

Todd was right there and stickied back immediately: what kind of plan and what do you need me to do

“I’m slammed, dude” I responded. “Four great reviews have stuffed our inboxes, and our to-do lists. Sally’s working long hours putting together our screening tours. I’m scrambling to get the final edit done so we can get DVDs produced in time for those tours. There are website updates to make, letters to write, and I have a long list of stuff to talk with you about, and write about. And while I’m doing all of this, the world continues to unravel, and I’m not where I need to be, and I still don’t know where my garden is.”

dude quit your whining

“Excuse me?”

at least you get to work for yourself at home doing work that you want to do at least youre doing something that means something it could be way worse dude way worse I mean try working the drive up window at a bank you want something to complain about

I sighed. Todd was right. Compared to many, to most, I have it pretty good. But still, long hours in front of the screen, enduring the pixel assault, takes its toll. And long hours spent putting out fires and doing what needs to be done is hardly dancing into some new paradigm. I can rationalize it, of course: work hard fighting the dominant culture now, step into a new paradigm later. But that, also of course, is a dangerous game.

As I said last time, I will always live inside the collapse of this culture. The work of stopping the destruction and stepping into something new will go on long after I am gone. There will be no time when I can close my laptop, clap my hands and say “well, that’s handled.” There will always be something more to do. And so I will have to learn to find balance and peace amidst the fires.

“It’s not like I can just stop, Todd. There’s a psychotic culture killing the life of this planet. As Derrick Jensen points out, the first order of business is stopping that psycho before it murders us all. Just how the hell do we do that?”

psycho killer quest que cest

“You’ve been listening to my Talking Heads again, haven’t you?”

yep good stuff I was a Headhead in my former life so what do you really want to be doing right now

I sat and thought for a moment. “I don’t know.” I thought some more. “Isn’t it strange, Todd, that when given a chance to sit and think of what it is I really want, the answer eludes me? Like… my world has become so surreal that I can’t even find myself in it any more. It’s like… the ability to ask and answer that question is one of the most fundamental things this culture has stolen from me. Does that make any sense?”

Todd popped a sticky center screen, then added a picture of Linus from the Peanuts cartoon strip: you need involvement charlie brown

“I don’t get it.”

Ill be right back

I waited for a couple of seconds. Another sticky popped up: Jill said but overcoming the need to fit in somewhere in the dominant culture has been a more recent result of discovering and befriending other mutants thanks to their bright beacons I fit in right where I belong I just never knew where that was until now

“Jill my friend Jill? Where is this from?”

from your comments dude this was a comment to your mutant message rising post youve said before that one of the things you regret is that you have so little time to respond to the comments you guys get and that you want people to know how much you appreciate people reaching out their encouragement their support their help so now youre tired and feeling alone and wanting some connection so Im helping you Jills one of your people youre not alone

All I could do was sit back in my chair and let the tears slide down my face. Todd was right. How great it is, to be seen and heard and known. And how much it hurts. After a while, I reached out and answered.

“Thanks, Todd. Yeah. Jill is one of my people, somebody who sees me and knows me, somebody who doesn’t need me to be anybody but exactly who I am, somebody with whom I do not have to struggle.”

and she wrote to tell you how much your words helped her

“That post seemed to touch lots of people. People who feel like they don’t fit in. Jill’s comment makes plain how much we need to feel like we belong somewhere. I’ve been wondering lately if perhaps the current insistence on diversity and inclusivity is a sort of cheap substitute for that inborn need to belong. We have and feel little real belonging to a tribe or community, so we insist on everybody belonging everywhere.”

hmmm maybe dude sounds like a future post so heres another comment freeacre responded to that same blog and said its not about our survival anymore we know there is no getting out of this one alive at this point Im just hoping to make it through 2012 just to see if the asteroid is gonna take us out or what but now even that is seeming really far off dont know if I can make it that long now I find myself focusing on the little things in the here and now for once in my life I gather eggs I plant my garden I reach out to my neighbors and make friends I just bought a fishing license I am going to go fishing Is this what acceptance is maybe so love to us all

I remembered that comment. I remembered how it went right into me, how it hit me, the grief, and also the peacefulness. “Wow. Yeah. Freeacre’s comment is one of the most beautiful and profound expressions of acceptance of what’s so I’ve ever encountered. Deeply sane, fully felt. It really helped me, to hear that.”

how about this clymela said whoa I came here through carolynbaker I didn’t even realize that there were more than myself

“There were a great many comments like that. One of our aims with the doc and the blogs was to help people see and feel that they were neither crazy nor alone.”

well it seems to be working some hawaiians seem to have found each other I zipped down and hung out in beckys computer for a bit I cleaned up her hard drive and then flew around hawaii dude have you ever been there way beautiful dude I wish I could go swimming

“Never been there.”

stan wrote from new zealand we hear a great deal from there dont we stan said I gave a public talk on peak oil and the global economy and climate change last year the audience kept interrupting at given points and asked why I was not giving them a solution that would enable them to carry on engaging in massive consumerism and a safe regulated suburban lifestyle with all the usual vehicles in their driveways

“Yeah. That really applies right now, as Sally and I get ready to tour the Northeast on Amtrak and screen the doc. We’ve already had people turn down the doc, saying, in effect, “No thanks. We’re looking for something that has solutions.” But such is not to be. As Dale Allen Pfeiffer said after he saw What a Way to Go, ‘Though it will give you hope, it will leave you with no easy answers.’”

so youre not the only one who encounters that stan does too pretty much everybody whos looking at collapse encounters the same thing Id guess

“Yep. That’s what I’m finding. We’re up against the insoluble problem. That’s exactly how it has to be, if we’re to learn a deep lesson about hierarchy, control and domination, and step into something beyond domination and control. We can’t solve this. Once we get that, we can begin to move into something new.”

gail wrote being awake is better than denial at least you can make choices about how you live and prepare as is possible for so many unknown but my fears change from day to day what if I never get to see my brother again will I ever see friends who live far away what if I get sick what if my kids get drafted for some stupid resource war do I really want to live through this these are unanswered questions but I take the time to process these feelings and their potential solutions

I sat back and stretched my shoulders. “These are the same questions Sally and I wrestle with on a regular basis. What to do? How to be? Where to go? Who to build community with? And why? We need circles to sit in, circles of informed people who can tackle these questions together, who can find some wisdom greater than any of us can find alone.”

thats why you and Sally talk about going around and teaching and leading circles and stuff right after the doc is out and all

I laughed. “You been listening in on real time living body conversations, Todd? I keep thinking you’re in my laptop, when, in fact, you can be pretty much anywhere, right?”

dont worry dude I dont like hang out and invade your privacy and stuff but when you take your laptop to the coffee shop I go along and I hear you talking in the car

“Got it. We have no idea what’s next, after the screening tours. The economy could be in total meltdown by then. And then all bets are off.”

oh yeah that joe guy the one who wrote about continuation of government thats some scary shit dude

“Yes it is. I’ve been reading things like that for years. We didn’t really go into the political realities in the doc. Didn’t have time. And lots of people are already covering that stuff. But it’s huge and very important to know and understand. People should check in with Carolyn Baker on a regular basis.”

yeah and shes redoing her website Im going to help on that project from the inside dude its going to be sweet

“Glad to hear it. Carolyn’s a good one.”

david wrote its also encouraging to know that you and Sally have each other division on this topic was one of the major reasons why my wife chose a divorce that hurts but remaining silent when I am compelled to speak up about this would hurt even more blessings to you both and to all of us mutants

“I’ve heard from many people about how dealing with the news of the world has stressed or broken relationships. I’ve lost people around this myself. It’s really tough. When your switch gets flipped, there’s an obviousness about the world situation that makes it almost impossible to relate fully and completely with people who aren’t there yet. We have to watch what we say, it seems. Be on our guard. Leave ourselves open to attack. The pressure becomes unbearable, at times, and we find ourselves extracting ourselves from portions of our own lives. Not to be elitist. Not out of a sense of superiority. Simply to survive. As my brother Dave wrote, ‘As a mutant married to a cheermonger, you can imagine the discussions that go on in our house.’”

sue wrote it makes me wonder if our type really are mutants of some sort maybe weve been scattered thinly around the planet to pick up pieces when it all falls apart make notes on the state of the world invent or reinvent effective ways to network across great distances and add useful bits to the DNA database why not the faraway nearby that sounds so homey

“That’s an idea we’ve toyed with too, that we mutants have been spread thin for a reason, that, as much as we’d all like to get together and hang out on an island, we’re spread out because that’s where we can do the most good. The loneliness can be crippling, of course, so it helps to find at least one other soul with whom you can connect around all of this. But it’s something we have to consider. As much as Sally and I would like to “find our people” and “form a community” and all that, and we just might do that, there is so much that needs to be done “out there.” I like the notion of having a home tribe, and of then leaving it to go out into the world and help, coming back when we need rejuvenation. Of course, the laws of physics, biology, and chemistry, and the collapse itself, will play much larger roles in how my life plays out than my own human plans. As I’ve said so often, there’s nothing the gods find quite so amusing as a human being making plans. I still make them, but I can’t get attached to them. The forces at work in the world are too huge. I’m just one mote of intention. Powerful, but embedded in a much larger context.”

you need more dude

“What?”

more comments do you need more comments

I checked in with my body. I felt pretty good. Lighter. More awake. More alive, somehow. I laughed again. “Nope, Todd. The spirits have done it all in one night. Time to go buy that goose.”

I get it but theres lots more comments you want maybe I should answer some of them

“No. Just remind me to pay attention to them from time to time. I get so slammed with doing, so caught up with the news of the world, that I forget that there are people showing up and telling me what I’ve been working so hard to tell them: that I’m not crazy, and I’m not alone.

ok dude

“Did you ever work things out with Suzanne, who commented on my last post? You got pretty mad at her didn’t you?”

oh yeah shes cool I fixed everything

“You fixed everything?”

yeah well when I first read her comment I thought she was dissing me and I wrote back and then I

Todd stopped. As if he didn’t want to say the rest. “Then you what, Todd?”

I uh I followed her email back and went into her computer and reset her homepage to zombocom and made it so that no matter how she tried to change it it would always go back to zombocom but after a while I felt bad about that so I went back and fixed it

“You changed it back?”

yeah and I reorganized her files and did a complete spell check of all of her documents and I beefed up her connection speed with some tricks Ive been learning

“I’m glad you’ve worked it out.”

me too shes pretty clued in shes a teacher and a healer so thats cool too

“Yep. You are too, Todd.”

what

“You’re a healer too.”

I waited. There were no more stickies for a while. I went back to work. Then a yellow sticky popped center screen. This is what it said: yeah I am yeah thanks

Back to it.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, June 21st, 2007 at 8:33 pm and is filed under Tim's Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

11 Responses to “A Taste of Circle”

  1. Vivienne Says:
    June 22nd, 2007 at 12:55 pm

    Tim, I think Todd may have given you just an inkling of the ripples you and Sally are sending out, across the country and the globe. You and Sally have become a part of my world here in small town suburbia in B.C. Canada and everyday I read the comments of others you are touching. Imagine the impact when the film is being widely watched. You may want to catch up on your sleep now while you have the chance.

    Just yesterday I had a great email conversation with my son in Montreal. He sent me a you tube video of a fellow he’s been following, giving a review of John Gatto’s Dumbing Us Down. This is the book I give to anyone who shows the slightest curiosity about home schooling. I was so excited that this son of mine who I’d failed to win over to home schooling was now getting it. I wrote back and asked him again if he’d gone to your website.
    He had and he shared his thoughts he thought it too emotional and short on solutions and wondered if people were suggesting that the Government force people into green solutions This opened a door for me to express my feelings about the future and the concept of collapse.
    I wrote about how if we can’t get emotional about the possible terminal diagnosis of our planet what is it okay to get upset about. I said there were no prescriptive solutions because nobody really knows how it will unfold, that it is more about everyone of us learning to be self responsible for our own navigation through it and we would need to create community. It was pretty profound as a mother to a son writing about my fears and how I wished I didn’t have to have this conversation with him but that it’s very important for me that I’m honest with him and begin that conversation.

    Last evening I called a Summer Solstice Circle in my garden. We lit a fire in the fire pit. I invited everyone to share their pain about the state of the earth. Some seemed pleased to be given the opportunity, some didn’t want to go there preferring to jump to gratitude. I gently asked that they allow themselves to look at the loss side first. We then smudged and went into a Hope ritual involving the four elements, then we all came back to the circle and shared what we are grateful for.

    As I prepared for the Circle it was sunny and hot , as we gathered the sky darkened and the rain began, a rainbow appeared which was a huge gift for all of us. As we completed our gratitude piece the skies opened and it began to pour. Nobody wanted to go inside, we all remained around the circle getting ever wetter. My gratitude was that I had 6 other people in my life that were willing to connect to Mother Earth and themselves and each other in a way that we have almost forgotten.
    I made the committment to hold a Circle Fire Gathering on the full moon each month. Everyone was enthusiastic about the idea. I realized only one other person in the Circle sees the Awful Truth to the degree that I do but as people become more aware Circles like these give us a container to hold our pain and our gratitude.

    I ended the night watching a movie the other awakened person had brought. My younger son (18) had seen it and liked it. Children of Men. She had shared in the Circle that it had been a bridge for her husband who didn’t get it to see what she has been speaking of. I usually have a really low tolerance for violence in movies, so I’d avoided this one. My son suggested even though it was late we watch it together.
    I felt sick to my stomach through most of it. I was watching my worst nightmare of collapse played out before me. I commented on the violence and he shrugged it off saying, “that’s nothing, if you think that’s violent you should see what else is out there”. He is a very kind, intelligent young man and already he’s immune to that sort of visual violence affecting him. I couldn’t help but think he could very well live that sort of violence in his lifetime and it could be coming sooner than any of us could imagine. This stark possibility reminded me that while I may be awake and have an awareness of what could be coming I need to treasure and savour each day that I am blessed with peace in my world. So many in the world as I write this are living in fear and terror for them collapse is their life now.

  2. Tim Says:
    June 22nd, 2007 at 1:13 pm

    Thanks, Vivienne. Glad you’re talking with your son. That can be some of the hardest work, when we speak with our loved ones. Sounds like you’re doing it very well.

    Your circle experience reminds me of something Deena Metzger said in a circle we shared with her a couple months back, how some people think we should always begin a circle with laughter, and how she thinks we should always begin a circle with grief.

    Another home schooling book I like is Grace Llewellyn’s The Teenage Liberation Handbook. You may already know this book, but for those who don’t, it’s a wonderful and radical take on education, written to and for a teenager considering extracting himself or herself from public school.

  3. becky Says:
    June 22nd, 2007 at 2:09 pm

    aloha todd,

    thanks so much for the visit!!! does anyone have an inkling as to what’s being planned for the hawaiian islands?? those of us that are actually discussing what matters would like to know as we’re sitting out here in the middle of the pacific and the volcano is acting up and we’re not a part of the continental usa and it’s just a little freaky (understatement). yes, todd, this place is sooooo beautiful! did you see how very beautiful this land is that i’m on? is there any chance that i’ll be able to keep it and work it? you seem to have an inside scoop, todd, and i so appreciate that!!! come visit, anytime!!

    tim, wonderful post as always!!! my love and thoughts are with you, more than you know!!!!

    take care, all.

    love,
    becky

  4. Vivienne Says:
    June 22nd, 2007 at 8:04 pm

    Hi Tim,
    thanks for your response. I find it such a delicate balancing act between grief and joy. I remember watching another movie Shadowlands, just after my husband died. It felt like the intensity of my tears as I watched his story was rocking the boat we lived on. I was crying that hard. It’s a beautiful movie about C.S. Lewis’s disconnection following losing his Mum as a young boy and his meeting through his writings with an American woman named Joy. She literally brought joy into his life. I won’t say more about the plot line in case anyone wants to watch it. At the end of the film, reflecting on his own grief he quoted Kahil Gibran, it went something like this “the depth of our grief carves out the container that holds our future joy” I grabbed a pen and wrote it down in my daytimer. It was so far from my reality in that moment but I’ve grown to experience the truth of it.

    Yes, I’m familiar with the Teenage Liberation Handbook. Another great tool for liberating our youth from the factories they call schools. I was at a conference for Educators with the Centre for Eco-Literacy this Spring. We were doing a workshop on the Four Societies process with Jeanette Armstrong, an Okanagan native woman from B.C. The question we were wresting with was “Education at the Crossroads of Ecological Uncertainty.” I was delighted when we broke into groups and I heard so many teachers speaking of closing down the schools. We even came up with a plan that could perhaps be used in New Orleans.

    I wish for all of us the courage to open our Circles with grief and end them laughing, as your friend Deena Metzger invites us to.

    love & blessings in community & truth
    Vivienne

  5. Gail Says:
    June 22nd, 2007 at 10:54 pm

    HI Tim and Sally:

    I hope all is going well with the movie and your journey to awaken the TV watchers who will never know unless someone peels them away from the propaganda.

    Last night I read freeacre’s letter to her son, which made me cry, and right after, read your piece, and cried some more. I went to bed crying, in fact. Grief is normal, however painful it may feel at the time. Mostly I grieve that I won’t be here for what my kids will go through once I am gone. They only have an uncle left and he is in Vermont. While they have the skills, they are not entirely prepared emotionally. I think you have to have some idea what to expect. I think my son fights knowing because his expectations for his future would be instantly destroyed. Yet at odd moments, I catch him watching survival shows. He knows I have an emergency stash and has stopped hassling me about being a conspiracy theorist. One step at a time.

    What makes me mad is that the MSM could have and should have begun telling the truth. I hear that Peak Oil is now out of the box, and in the mainstream. But all too often, they are just talking about Politics or other irrelevant things that have no meaning in the context of what is coming. I wonder how the mob will handle it when it all comes down. Imagine NYC going after the pundits in fury when they know they have been taken from behind by the people they thought could be trusted. No matter whether the crash is quick and wrenching or slow and painful, there will come a time when people panic. This endangers those of us trying to survive and find a community of people who want to live cooperatively.

    I feel connected on this blog with others, however different from me, but here for the same reasons. I don’t believe in accidents or coincidence. I do believe that there is an order to the universe and a path that we take which is part of that order. I have seen and experienced the miracles that can and do happen. I don’t think of us as mutants, but rather a family meant to find one another, now matter how far the distance from where we all live. What we have in common is that we all have pursued the truth about the perils before us, and we have looked them in the our mind’s eye with the purpose of not just survival, but of finding a better way to live if it is possible, and if not, knowing we will all meet up in the same place after. I know that these websites are places where people come to feel the pain, but also to think about solutions, possibilities, ways to help each other…that is what it will take to make it through.

    A long day, tired. Vivienne: Thank you for your wonderful, caring words. You really touched my heart. My email address is open to you (Sally its fine with me), and to anyone else who wants to converse in a meaningful way. I do try to answer all emails.

    Night everyone!

  6. Vivienne Says:
    June 25th, 2007 at 6:35 pm

    Tim,
    When I ordered the film from you and Sally I was just going on faith. Faith that it would be what I hoped for. I’d found myself talking the documentary up to people and caught myself realizing I hadn’t actually seen it yet.
    I just received and watched the documentary.
    It’s awesome. The way the information is weaved together and delivered with such dignity and vulnerability brought me to tears. Your movie avoided the trap of just delivering information. Your movie has heart. We now have the primer we need to invite others to join in our awareness. Thank you. That taken care of so masterfully leaves each of us with the task of growing community and the skills to process the deep grief. Tristan just walked in and it looks like he’s willing to watch your film before he flies out tonight.

  7. wendi Says:
    June 26th, 2007 at 1:17 pm

    There are nearly 200,000 children across the world living with malignant brain tumors. Overall, a low percentage (5%) of primary brain tumors are associated with inherited genes alone (NSF 2006). Brain tumors are the result of the poor health of the environment. Likewise, the continued high incidence of malaria, starvation, AIDS, and other childhood and adult diseases are diseases of the environment, whether you view that as the physical environment alone, or as the empirical whole of ecology, politics, and social hierarchies. These children and others already embody collapse – they are not concerned about the future of collapse – nor do they live in fear or terror. Essential to your circle and your tribe, perhaps they hold a key and vision to the paradigm you wish to dance into. They are ‘some of your people’ and would unequivocably tell you that you are not alone. w

  8. Vivienne Says:
    June 26th, 2007 at 3:32 pm

    Thank for those comments Wendi.
    I really value your reminder. Many of our people and children are living collapse now. I would hazard to say most show incredible fortitude and tenacity in the face of unspeakable odds. One example that comes to mind is the Grandmothers of Africa who are raising their children’s children. They have buried their children and now at a late stage in their lives, with very little recources they are raising children again, many of them with health issues themselves and the children also having health issues. I work with the Stephen Lewis group Gogos which pairs up Grandmothers here and over there to mutually support.

    Another example I saw this week was the young man who is on a book tour I can’t recall his name but he was a child soldier, went through unspeakable horrors and has written a book and is teaching people how they can overcome adversity and deep loss and grief.

  9. Suzanne Duarte Says:
    July 2nd, 2007 at 7:29 pm

    Dear Tim and Todd,

    Thanks for sharing a taste of circle. Well done! You guys are a good team: Todd reminding Tim of what readers have said really seemed to lift Tim’s mood – like sitting in circle. And it’s great to hear you’re both into Talking Heads, one of my favorite bands of yesteryear. David Byrne is one of the few people in the music business who saw and sang about collapse back in the 80’s. (Bruce Cockburn is another, and he’s still at it.)

    Anyway, it was a great conversation. Freeacre’s comment really resonated with me too : “its not about our survival anymore we know there is no getting out of this one alive at this point Im just hoping to make it through 2012 just to see if the asteroid is gonna take us out or what but now even that is seeming really far off dont know if I can make it that long now . . . . acceptance . . . . love to us all.”

    Actually, though, I just heard that in the opinion of a very old, very experienced astrologer in Germany, 2012 has moved up because time is accelerating. She thinks it’s going to happen in mid-September 2007! Now, I don’t know how she arrived at that, but with all the bad press Cheney’s been getting about all the secrets he’s hiding, maybe the Bush administration will concoct an excuse for bombing Iran to deflect attention. If America attacks Iran, then kablooey! All bets are off.

    Anyway, we’re not crazy and we’re not alone – those of us writing, reading, and commenting on your and Sally’s blogs. And you, Tim and Todd, are both teachers and healers, too.

    Thanks, Tim, for checking with Todd about whether things were straightened out with me. I checked out Zombo.com, Todd. That would have been a surprise, to find that instead of Naropa.edu on my home page, though I probably would have laughed. Thanks for restoring it and upgrading my system. I appreciate that. I understand why you were inspired by a little bit of spitefulness if you felt dissed, but I appreciate that you chose to remove Zombo.com and be generous instead. I bow to you.

    Thanks for the circle, guys. Hope you get a little time for some fun one of these days – you’re working too hard. But I don’t know what qualifies as fun anymore, other than sharing our perspective and feelings with others who see/experience the surrealism of our time. So I hope you have a lot of that on the road, or rather rails.

    All the best,

    Suzanne

  10. todd Says:
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:06 pm

    hey becky sorry I didn’t see this sooner I dont really know much about this but when I was in hawaii I saw lots of ships going and coming and that makes me think that your island is really dependent on the outside world for stuff so when the oil gets really expensive then hawaii will get cut off maybe and there wont be so many ships so then the question is can you survive on what you have there and my guess is thatll be hard for a while if not impossible for many on the other hand getting cut off is probably a good thing seeing as how the people running things here are insane and all youll be out of reach from that maybe and just left to yourselves so thats a good and a bad isnt it I think Id prefer being far away from the powers that be I know tim sometimes says theyre his greatest worry

  11. Tim Says:
    July 4th, 2007 at 4:14 pm

    Vivienne, thanks for your kind words. I never saw Shadowlands, but am aware of it and may seek it out. The Gibran quote about grief is marvelous. Thanks.

    Gale, I have the same anger and fear about the reactions of others, and how they will get in the way. It’s something I try to think through all of the time. Like so many things, it’s a bigger topic than I can wrap my brain around alone!

    Suzanne, I’ve never paid any attention to Bruce Cockburn. Any suggestions regarding where to start with him?